The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
