wrigley field is MILF paradise
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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