Soap is not a condiment
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
