I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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