he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
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New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
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That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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