Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
