Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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