I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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