Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
