census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
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Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
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Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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