Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
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