He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
