Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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