mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
You're a waste of cheezeits
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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