I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
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Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Let's paint friendship bongs
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
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I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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