Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
