Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
God, I missed his penis.
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