My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
