We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize