May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
