I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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