Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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