I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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