wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
