My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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