my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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