i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
