oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
