We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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