Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Randomize
