Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
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It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
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Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot