yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
This Twitter User’s Story About Meeting A Notorious Serial Killer Will Leave You Shook
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
20+ Wholesome Memes You Need In Your Life Right Now
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise