We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
