Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
