Plan B is the new Plan A
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
