Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
