I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
