Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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