The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Still dying that you shit outside
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
