i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
