before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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