Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
