I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
We need to get me chipped asap
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
