We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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