you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
