I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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