I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
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He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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