No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
