just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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