Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
