Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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