My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I DEMAND FORESKIN
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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