she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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