the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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