Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
