his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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